I was feeling empty the other day.. and even thought about disappearing.. Telling no one.. in this day and age it would be hard but I figured I could just walk away.. disconnect the cell, and leave.. telling no one where I was.
I crave peace, quiet and no one expecting me to be what I can not be.. I even had started planning , this weekend I would start going through my stuff and getting rid of it. I would find out how much to ship the hope chest to my son, and the photos would go to, small boxes enough to make him think I was planning to move there as we had talked.
I thought about the fact, I would never see my grandchildren again, and the fact my own kids would never missed me.. I don't hear from them now and I have one who does not even acknowledge me.
And my parents have tagged after me to the extent I feel as if I can't breathe, not my Dad so much but my Mother, If you've ever heard the stereotypes about Southern and Jewish Mom's and their guilt trips? My Mom is the one who gives the lessons.
After my divorce she showed up and never left, I was glad to finally escape and here she was, bring in a Bad car accident last year and ME being the only child around them, I've had my hands full, with Drs, lawyers etc..
I love my parents especially my Dad, we are alike but My mom and I are on a different plain altogether.. Heck, we aren't even in the same galaxy.. I can laugh now that I must of been a challenge to this wild child, a straight laced child..to a Flower Girl hippy type..
But the last year as their physical need to have me close because of the accident decreased, the emotional needy became a part. I am expected to spend my weekends with them in their RV.. where they live because they have to stay here until the law suit from the settlement is through and with all the Dr appointments they still have, it's not good for them to leave. The accident was not their fault..
I knew that night that God had saved my parents.. They were lucky to be alive.
So this brings me back to why I feel like I am running on empty..
I still at this moment feel that I could walk away and never look back, the pain could be no worse than it has been.. and I could understand with a depth I didn't know existed why people walk away and never come back.. I think the main reason is that they are empty, and by the time they have filled themselves up emotionally to return, they are ashamed and feel guilty so they put it off and then... it's too late..
But I was ready to face that and began to plan how to do this , even telling myself that my Mom would be furious and demand I return or that they find me.. I can understand her fear and my Dad's. I've lost two siblings and watched their reaction to it.. It almost killed my mom to lose her Babies.
And I would be causing that pain by disappearing.
And God has his way of making you stop.. right on the dime.. He knows whats in your heart and what will make you stop and think..
Thursday Morning as I sat at my desk at work and planned how to just walk away and be me, My Dad had a heart attack.. He's still in the hospital and I've been there 2 days straight. My sister lives too far to come and my Dad begged me not to have her come.. This is the one my Mom understands and they talk at least 10 or more times a day.. And like my Mom she loves to tell you what to do and demands you listen, it drives my poor Dad nuts.. me too truth be told.. I'm more like Dad.. So I managed to keep her from flying out.. And tonight found myself laughing at the fact. .God told me No...I need to stay and figure it out..
I hate that word NO...
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