There are secrets I keep and never let them see the light of day.
I was told one time that those who question their sanity are actually the ones who are not crazy, it's those who think they are the only normal ones around that are crazy.
I have a name that was given to me in 4th grade. It was a formal court appearance and WHAM I had a name..
When you are born a Bastard you in truth do not have a last name. I had one, but it was taken by force rather than given freely, and I was hidden from that side. Then in 4th Grade I got a last name..
I never really got along with the Man who gave it and truthfully I do not think the name was given freely, but he wanted to be Dad to my little Brother and my Sister and I was a have to for the others to accept it.
I've always wanted to know who I am, Who did my spiritual side come from? I found a Popular Reverand on my Mom's side, but I wanted a resemblance, a true blood tie to someone other than my Mom's family. Someone who defined me.
It's become a need to fill a hole to make me whole.
I found the person who was supposed to be my sister by the father who did not want to claim me. This was 10 years ago and I didn't have the money to to do the DNA.. Well I found a place this last year that could do it at a cost I could afford.. Happy Birthday to me!! And the Man who did not want to claim me had a good reason.. HE ISN'T MY FATHER...
So this Sister (who is now not my Sister) decided to talk to her Mother's living Sister and see if she could find out any information.. LOW AND BEHOLD this Aunt was my Mom's best Friend at that time. gets stranger.. Seems the Man who was supposed to be my father is the brother in law to this woman, and there are 4 Men who could be the one..
The Season of FREE LOVE did not begin in San FRANCISCO IN THE 60'S.. it Began in San Fernando Ca. in the 50's.. Seems this Aunt was sleeping with everyone my Mom was sleeping with, and My Mom even slept with her husband!!! So he could even be my Dad!
2 Men are now canceled out and the 3rd I've sent off the DNA today, that one of his son's and my Mom's ex best friends son offered to do with me, as this Man is Deceased.
The conflict? This Man who could be my Father, died 2 days after his 60th Birthday in 1995 of a self inflected Shot gun wound.. He couldn't help himself he had a Terminal disease called Huntington's disease. And my greatest fear is one of my sons' has it..
They symptoms are all there.. HOW do I voice the fear that is there? if this man is my Biological father, then it explains my son, and if not I'm at loss as to how to help this son
If indeed this man is my biological father than I have a 50-50 change having this gene, and passing it on to my children. and even getting the disease myself, but in order to get it myself my symptoms would of had to start a few years ago unless I started at puberty which can just be the psychiatric ones and later the uncontrollable movements of limbs. This son, My Golden boy who made teachers gush and little girls try their first flirting technique on them may have this disease. and there is nothing I can do. Because this son has written me off yet again. He had flittered from fence post to fence post burning his bridges on his way. and going off his rocker in such a way I can't help. But if he has this desease than I am obligated to hold his hand and take whatever he throws at me. because I gave him this desease. not his Dad who is a changed man who might of walked on water but me someone who went against all I believed in for a chance at a dream that isn't working out. and someone my kids consider maybe one inche up from a peice of dog doo..
who do you blame in a situation like this? Who is the one who fired that shot for the first game of russian roulette? a game that could take my sons life and even mine.I have always worried about being crazy, My ex swore I was and I WAS the black sheep of my Mom's family. They would invite all kinds of people to parties and forget me. I got used to it so I said, but it cut me into a million little peices.. and for years I'd find those peices at the most unusual places., my granmas' funeral. the wedding of a cousin I wasn't invited too.
Standing on the outside looking in a t a dinner that I wasn't supposed to know about. I was always looking into a room where I didn't have a ticket to get into, hell I didn't even have the magic ticket or ability to make it there. So I told my self somewhere there were a family like me, that thought my jokes were funny and thought that morals meant something, and I have yet to find them,, and I watch the clock ticking until I know if this man is mY FATHER.... Has this man sentenced me and my children and three beautyful grandchildren through hell AND I mean Hell, when your loose your rational thoughts and aftions and become psychoic. It's late and I've crieda agian.. I can seem to get over being left in the cold thougI'm told there is not reason. but there is... I hear the whishper that it's time to go and move on. a cave sounds great... I guess it's really time to go... but when I bring it up he makes excuses and blames me.. but it's not.. I'm done I think. after all can it always be my fault that we don't make love I initiate and nothing happens.. I mean nothing and he brushes it off ande he let me know again I am secounde place where his daughters are concered.,.. that s it.. I will never been first choice;; l;ike in the resto f my life.. I was the leftover,,
