There are times you look your future in the face and can choose to walk away.You second guess and wonder and know or maybe not know that choosing could be the end of what you hope for to be walked alone and must make that decision to walk alone for the time left.I seem to be at loss at this..Seems it's me that puts myself in this situation and yet I have no other way.

The grass is always greener

The other part of that is "over the septic tank"..
So is life,
you walk a path and find yourself on a completely different earth than the one you knew.
And you must decide to keep walking or walk back and find the mistep you took.
Yet to go where you aren't needed or wanted isn't a option..
Life is only what you make it

through the looking glass

I'm in a spot I never thought I'd be.. yet here I am..
torn and wondering how do you go beyond the line upon line, precept upon precept of teaching the Gospel of Jesus Christ to someone who doesn't want to believe? Or just do not want to admit they know but won't accept. where does this put me? I believe, I know Christ died for me and there is no doubt in my mind.. so why am I here? waiting for something that may never be?

He's my Son, All 3 of them..

Secret Heart

What's love go to do with it?

Him :Hi Cuteness

Me: Hi, come to play?

Him: I'm not good with no payoff or commitment B4 play


Me: You know where I stand


Him : "Yeah, you stand on sex with a 30 year contract..I'm having fun with an option for casual protected sex from time to time"


Me..Why does this scare you?



Him "It doesn't scare me. It's an illusion. What's ur record?

I'm to old to hold out any longer for forever.
Right now is all we have."

Me: Marry Me..

Do I think he'll answer? No.. it's been over 3 hours now and nothing.
I have no idea what made me write it, Maybe kind of a"prove me wrong thing.."
So my friend says "What if he says Yes"
I hadn't thought that far.. After all he is now explicit in what he wants. And that is not forever.
So do I think he'll answer positive ? No.. He won't it's a game and I am tired of games..because some friendships can not cross lines.. I need for him to know that..

Thank you to All Vets...Past and Present

"Si vis pacem, para bellum "
Date: May 25, 2008 8:16 PM

When life stops on a dime OR I know why people leave and don't come back

I was feeling empty the other day.. and even thought about disappearing.. Telling no one.. in this day and age it would be hard but I figured I could just walk away.. disconnect the cell, and leave.. telling no one where I was.
I crave peace, quiet and no one expecting me to be what I can not be.. I even had started planning , this weekend I would start going through my stuff and getting rid of it. I would find out how much to ship the hope chest to my son, and the photos would go to, small boxes enough to make him think I was planning to move there as we had talked.
I thought about the fact, I would never see my grandchildren again, and the fact my own kids would never missed me.. I don't hear from them now and I have one who does not even acknowledge me.
And my parents have tagged after me to the extent I feel as if I can't breathe, not my Dad so much but my Mother, If you've ever heard the stereotypes about Southern and Jewish Mom's and their guilt trips? My Mom is the one who gives the lessons.
After my divorce she showed up and never left, I was glad to finally escape and here she was, bring in a Bad car accident last year and ME being the only child around them, I've had my hands full, with Drs, lawyers etc..
I love my parents especially my Dad, we are alike but My mom and I are on a different plain altogether.. Heck, we aren't even in the same galaxy.. I can laugh now that I must of been a challenge to this wild child, a straight laced child..to a Flower Girl hippy type..
But the last year as their physical need to have me close because of the accident decreased, the emotional needy became a part. I am expected to spend my weekends with them in their RV.. where they live because they have to stay here until the law suit from the settlement is through and with all the Dr appointments they still have, it's not good for them to leave. The accident was not their fault..
I knew that night that God had saved my parents.. They were lucky to be alive.
So this brings me back to why I feel like I am running on empty..
I still at this moment feel that I could walk away and never look back, the pain could be no worse than it has been.. and I could understand with a depth I didn't know existed why people walk away and never come back.. I think the main reason is that they are empty, and by the time they have filled themselves up emotionally to return, they are ashamed and feel guilty so they put it off and then... it's too late..
But I was ready to face that and began to plan how to do this , even telling myself that my Mom would be furious and demand I return or that they find me.. I can understand her fear and my Dad's. I've lost two siblings and watched their reaction to it.. It almost killed my mom to lose her Babies.
And I would be causing that pain by disappearing.
And God has his way of making you stop.. right on the dime.. He knows whats in your heart and what will make you stop and think..
Thursday Morning as I sat at my desk at work and planned how to just walk away and be me, My Dad had a heart attack.. He's still in the hospital and I've been there 2 days straight. My sister lives too far to come and my Dad begged me not to have her come.. This is the one my Mom understands and they talk at least 10 or more times a day.. And like my Mom she loves to tell you what to do and demands you listen, it drives my poor Dad nuts.. me too truth be told.. I'm more like Dad.. So I managed to keep her from flying out.. And tonight found myself laughing at the fact. .God told me No...I need to stay and figure it out..
I hate that word NO...

Running on empty

There are days you have nothing more to give, you are empty and yet you keep walking, talking and moving, you do because you have too, The option to stop and play dead isn't there, This last few weeks I've kept moving.
Ever have one of those days you would swear that someone up there had a clipboard with a pen saying "wonder what he/she would do if we do this?" just like a rat in a maze with scientists looking at them?
I've had several weeks of that.. I know what should be because of prayer and personal revelation, but I don't know how or when and then there is the 2nd guessing myself..
And the big craving to just tell the world to leave me alone and hide.. Can't do that. there is no one to depend on me except me..
So I'm running on empty trying to find where I Belong.. I know home is not here, Not many understand that statement.. But my dear friend who I spent Saturday said the same thing about her place in this world.. It was ok but she wasn't home, and she wasn't sure where to find it.
To top things off I now have to figure out how to get a car, my own did not pass the smog inspection.
I wanted to get my bills paid off (there are not many) and move out of here. But a car?? I wanted to go debt free..and 4 paychecks would put me there. Now, I'm going to have to go with a debt..
And then there is that GO WHERE??
My prayers have been to go where I am supposed to be, that sense of urgency has hit again..
I'd love to go to where my one son is, but I also know I'd be treated like a wayward child with no brains and He'd be ticked when I wouldn't drop my plans to babysit..
The other is tougher, it's with a controlling sister near by and that would drive me nuts, I went through a childhood of being questioned, teased and ridiculed for my off beat thinking, but yet, I know it's come up to go there..
I can only think of one good reason too, I love the eastern Thunder storms..and the lightening bugs.
So tonight I'm running on empty, I want God to just hit me with a bolt of lightening and Say ok this is where and what you are going to do.. but that won't happen, there is this thing called free agency..
So maybe if I'm lucky, He'll just drop a stone tablet with the directions for me??

Lucy and Ethel reunite

Met up with a friend I've known for over 30 years last night ( my friends stay friends) We hadn't seen each other in over 12 years and now that we live to closer together It's just been timing to see each other..
We had so much fun, from remembering a fish that jumped from my fish tank into her blouse, (she's well endowed) to us walking up to her door to find a boa coming out of the door! her brother had left it in a dresser drawer thinking it wouldn't be able to get out..
We both laugh and remembered and enjoyed..
She asked me to be her roommate... it was so comfortable and I've been giving it some thought.. We always had fun even last night at dinner ordering the same thing for dinner and laughing because we'd both forgotten that the other didn't like sauce.. It was fun and I can't wait to get our friendship back where it was.. How I've missed being spontaneous

He'll come again

Text : Million Dollars

Me: ??

Text: What?

Me: What is the Million 4? You sold that much?

Text: U lost the chain of Text, ur worth a million babe

I didn't answer back. I was busy at work and didn't feel like flirting..
I am keeping it safe.. We are flirt buddies nothing more..
and I've learned again.. all that glitters is not gold..

If you are going to through Hell

The meaning of hell is different depending on what is in front of you or what you are experiencing.. My idea of hell at this point??
Another steps out of my past.. at least not 35 years later but a couple of years.. we go back and forth and guess what it's the back again... Geeeeze.. when it rains it pours...
but the problem.. My heart isn't interested at all.. yet nothing from the revelation..

And in the light of Day

I still find I'm between a rock and a hard place... and the path is going to be a bit rough today.. I sometimes wish I could just look at what will happen first and pick and choose..

Mark it up to experience

So I take a step back, look and walk around.. Leave behind the what if 's and the whats?
I have made amends in the only way I know. Today was quiet, no phone calls.. But I didn't expect any. When you do not expect anything you are never disappointed.. At least that lie I tell myself every holiday, birthday and Christmas So again I tell myself expect nothing and you are never disappointed.. ever..

This heart of mine

Two steps behind

I will never understand men, They say a Woman is hard to know or figure out, I disagree.. Men are.
Since the revelation last week, y he has gone quiet.. The texts have been stilted but teasing.. and now quiet.
Funny I'm always two steps behind and late!
So I'm trying to understand what the use of revealing himself last week was?

My motto is do as you say and say as you do.

What was he really saying?
And then with the Text " Watch with your heart not your eyes"
If it means trust my heart... BEEN THERE DONE THAT.. and look where I am.. and good thing I'm weary of it,
So no I don't trust my heart... After all it likes to take off on it's own and doesn't listen very well when I call it back..
So again I'm two steps behind..
and haven't a clue what was meant

when you look into the eyes of a newborn

You find so much, the future, your past and the steps inbetween.
I've been blessed to be a mom , and now a grandmother.
I've just returned home from a weekend in Idaho meeting my new grandson..
I call him George.. He's named after his youngest Uncle, and since that makes it two of them I nicknamed him George..
He's got two club feet. And tomorrow he has surgery.. But he's so beautiful and alert for a month old.. His eyes are of a old soul, and yet I marvel at him..
There are no words to describe holding your past, future and present in your arms..

Watch with your heart not your eyes

I feel it in my fingers
I feel it in my toes
The love that's all around me
And so the feeling grows
It's written on the wind
It's everywhere I go
So if you really love me
Come on and let it show
You know I love you, I always will
My mind's made up by the way that I feel
There's no beginning, there'll be no end
'Cause on my love you can depend
I see your face before me
As I lay on my bed
I cannot get to thinking
Of all the things you said
You gave your promise to me and I gave mine to you
I need someone beside me in everything I do
You know I love you, I always will
My mind's made up by the way that I feel
There's no beginning, there'll be no end
'Cause on my love you can depend
I got to keep it moving
It's written in the wind
Oh everywhere I go
So if you really love me
Come on and let it show
Come on and let it,
Come on and let it,
Come on and let it,
Come on and let it show (less




something is coming I feel it.

There's something a bit freeing about knowing that I am the one that knows who I am, no profile to tell people who I am or what I am.. just a imagination on the part of you the reader.
I become just another voice in the universe that sends out it's scream, or whisper.

I can write freely of pain or joy and know that I am still safe hidden within the walls I have placed.
I can reveal my heart or hide it.. and let you the reader only know what is available this day.

I find I want someone who will make me say Wow.. To give something of myself that I can not give is what is usually asked. I can't.. within me are the core beliefs I hold close..
That somewhere someone thinks the same and wants the same..

And yet there is that craving to be... the same as everyone else and yet be different.. tonight is one of those nights to be the same as that someone who walked in but because I am not walked out... so two songs hold me tonight and both are very much what I am..

wicked games

Moving on

I've become a Grandma again today.. what a beautiful thing...
and on the way to this step in my life.. I can say I'm going forward

We may never pass this way again

Just when you think that your part of the universe is in the correct orbit, you get shown it's not..

It's funny how you go along doing what you can to help and give comfort to those you meet, You try to leave a positive influence in those lives who mesh with your own even if it's for a second, a hour, a day or more.

And yet you find that you must turn the other cheek, when something you said does not go over well with them

You read and re read the email and can't see what it is that you put that made them strike at you, So like any women I asked two female friends and a male friend.. They too could not see what would be the reason for the strike back.

Funny I would never hurt anyone if I could help it. I KNOW I have many times.

But these days I try my hardest not too. I try to live the golden rule where ever my path is.

I guess like any thing you have those days you make it and those days you just can't make the mark..

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

(written by Marianne Williamson)

Souls

Souls speak to eachother,
Not all speak the same language but they try.
What a rare and marvelous thing to find one that speaks you.
They join you in talking with no words and you find you are in awe of the mysteries of life.
and yet.
They travel on looking for another who also speaks the same language. From this you learn and grow.

You find that maybe you understood but that they did not.. AND then you wonder at these souls you hear.. those that sometimes sound like many voices at once, but then there is that one that speaks clearly and directly.. what do you do when even though you hear them, they don't hear you?